Grief, such as during death, does things to people that are out of character (or maybe it enhances and brings out a true character in some people).
Some take the loss as a time to pack up and move on, immediately selling everything they have and get as far away from the memories as possible. Others mourn deeply for weeks, months and years, never fully getting over the loss and allowing it to consume their lives. Then there are the ones that use the opportunity to benefit from the death. They may appear in mourning but hang around to see what's in it for them. Push for material items or slyly stay in the picture in hopes of gaining cash.
Everyone has unique ways of expressing emotion depending on their personality, capacity to cope, supports in their lives, unhealed traumas and beliefs around the situation. Not one way is right or wrong, however, the way we deal with traumatic events is individual to us. I find that at times of turmoil, big upset or death, no matter how put together someone seems, many hidden wounds reopen. Past traumas that were never dealt with surface and people are forced to confront them. The situation becomes so overwhelming that I've seen clients go numb and become a shell of the person they were. Coping strategies haven't been learned or put into practice and that shell thickens.
If I'm working with a client who presents with recent trauma such as a death, I use this opportunity to not only give space for the client to grieve but to dissect what's coming up for them that has nothing to do with the death. Coping with death is vulnerability at its finest, even when there's the appearance of strength. Paying attention to where your mind (and actions) go can tell you interesting things about what's stored away that you haven't thought about in years, or what's being suppressed that needs to be dealt with ASAP.
If you're dealing with someone going through a traumatic event or grieving, give them enough space but remain available. It can be lonely being left to grieve as the world around them moves on. Check in with them frequently and allow them to talk openly without you being the questioning party. Know that any behaviour they exhibit that's out of their norm is them struggling to cope with the event or the part of their brain has been cracked open.
If this is you, in the midst of a painful experience, be gentle on yourself. Journal or jot down briefly what's coming up for you. Don't make any big decisions as, yes, grief changes you, but you will feel better and more like yourself as time goes on.
There are stages of grieving. However, in my experience both personally and professionally, people waiver between them all. One moment you've accepted this life-changing event, and the next a smell sets you into waterworks and a day of isolation to be alone with your thoughts. Allow friends and family to connect with you. It's OK to have your time off and sit with your emotions but that connection and communication with loved ones will be the constant support you need to keep going.
When feelings of grief continue for too long, you've turned into someone you don't recognize, and you're struggling to get through your days, reach out to a qualified professional for extra support and strategies for coping. Again, everyone experiences grief differently and you don't have to go through it alone. Even if you are managing it OK, having a support community you can join in person or online will give you the outlet you may be looking for.
Grief is not a race.
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